Gunblast Vodka by Jean-Louis Daniel (Review)

Arguably, the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

Last night, I watched what had to be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, Gunblast Vodka. My roommate got one of those ​“Rent One, Get One Free” deals and picked it up, figuring since it was free it wouldn’t be too bad. How wrong he was. ​“Direct to video”? This film longs for that prestigious distinction.

You’d think it would be the makings of an action classic. A Jewish commando who looks like Dolph Lundgren and Antonio Banderas’ love-child works with a lecherous Polish policeman who acts like he has a roll of quarters up his arse to investigate supermodels getting kidnapped in Poland for snuff films.

You have some ​“Jew in Poland” jokes, a butch police officer who loves her cigar, Polish rapping, exploding fruitstands, a Bible-quoting villain, heroes who fight in the nude and pole dance, a workout just before invading the castle, supermodels who have perfect hair even after rolling around in muddy cells for days on end, and some of the worst direction, dialog, and acting I have ever seen.

Yep… pure gold.

I guess we could’ve stopped watching it after 10 minutes, since that’s all it took for us to realize what a P.O.S. this movie was, but where’s the fun in that? Normally, I make it a policy to always finish a movie, no matter what, but I was forced to retreat once my roommates left me alone with nothing but my wits to defend me. And sadly, they were quickly overwhelmed. I’d love to write up a full review for y’all, but this short blurb has already been painful enough.

Somewhere, somehow, I hope someone apologized for this movie.