Armour of God by Jackie Chan, Eric Tsang (Review)

Plenty of kung fu hijinks abound but Armour of God never makes up for all of the crap you have to sit through.
Armour of God

In my review of Police Story, I mentioned that Jackie Chan’s movies usually fall into one of 2 categories, or at least lean heavily towards one category or the other. In the first category are those rare movies that make your spine tingle, your jaw drop, and your eyes bug out as Chan turns out to be some sort of superhuman kung-fu comedy genius. Films like Drunken Master 2 may have you laughing one second at Jackie’s predicament, only to make you squirm uncomfortably in your seat the next as you realize he probably just broke a bone in that scene.

However, a good deal of Jackie’s films tend to lean towards the other end of the spectrum, that being the kung-fu comedies that feel like nothing more than an idiosyncratic mess of dialog, silly and childish comedic capers, and a sense of humor that feels uncomfortably off. Armour of God leans heavily towards this category. Armour of God is actually a prequel to Operation Condor (which came out in U.S. theatres a few years ago). Jackie plays Condor, a treasure hunter that excels at getting rare treasures to be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

However, before Condor became a world-famous treasure hunter, he was a member of a Partridge Family-style singing group. A bitter love triangle ensued, Condor left the group, and now hunts for treasure. Yeah, you heard me right. Believe me… this is only the tip of the iceberg. It seems that a cult has learned of Condor’s past and hatches a plan to kidnap Condor’s former love interest, forcing him to find “The Armour of God,” which will give them unlimited power. Condor is reunited with the former bandmate who stole Condor’s love away so many years ago, an whiny, ineffectual boob named Alan. I think Alan’s only purpose in this film was to make Jackie’s bumbling look suave, because he’s fairly incompetent throughout the film, and that’s being kind.

This film was pretty much sheer torture to sit through, though I’m certain some of that has to do with re-editing this film underwent before it was released to video. Much of the film feels incredibly stilted and hurried, lumbering along at an awkward pace. And of course, it’s all been redubbed, which just ups the wince factor by a factor of 10 or so.

As with all of Jackie’s films, a final, climactic battle ensues at the monk’s hidden fortress, and it almost makes up for the rest of the film. Almost. Jackie is in fine form, doing all sorts of little acrobatic nonsense with way too much grace and skill. He hops over tables, bounces off of rocks, and takes on 50 monks with a flurry of blows and kicks. And yes, he uses plenty of props, turning something as innocent as a piece of fruit into an instrument of kung fu comedy. But even the final scene is just way too silly to be taken seriously, especially when Jackie takes on four black women in stiletto heels. Obviously, these monks are not of the celibate kind.

Unlike Police Story, which had its fair share of cheese, but still delivered when was said and done, Armour of God never makes up for all of the crap you have to sit through. I still love you Jackie, and I must admit that there were many scenes in Armour of God that left me wondering “How’d he do that?,” you have to be a lot more careful with your movies. I’m sure you had a blast making the movie, and I’m sure the script seemed really funny at the time. But come on… did the final fight have to be against women in stiletto heels?!? I’m more than willing to take a large slice of cheese with my movies, but even that had me shaking my head in disbelief. Oh well… at least Chris Tucker didn’t make a cameo. Thank God for small comforts.

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