Why did I watch this Pizza Hut training video from 1988?

There’s no pandemic in this kitchen. Just the promise of perfect pizza.

I’ve written before about my love of Pizza Hut. More specifically, my love for the Pizza Hut of my childhood. As a kid, Pizza Hut was fine dining, from the restaurant décor (I still remember the fancy lights and red cups) to the presence of the salad bar (which I only used for pudding and croutons) to even the fact that your pop came in pitchers that were brought to your table.

And of course, there was the pizza. Or for the real heads out there, the ​“Priazzo” pie. To this day, I’m pretty sure that I subconsciously compare all pizza that I eat to the pleasure I got from eating a Pizza Hut slice. And if I’m honest, I don’t think any pizza today — even pizza that’s objectively better — gives me the same joy and satisfaction that I experienced as a kid eating a slice of Supreme pan pizza.

If you’ve made it this far, then you might be the perfect audience for this Pizza Hut training video from 1988. In addition to being further proof that you can find any kind of video ephemera on YouTube these days, there’s something quite relaxing about the perky young trainee and her wise, experienced manager walking viewers through the steps of making a great Pizza Hut pan pizza.

Every possible variable is considered — how to select good dough, the best way to spread sauce and ingredients (pro tip: always start at the edges and work towards the center), the perfect amount of cheese and ​“fairy dust” to use — and all to ensure that customers get the perfect slice of pizza every single time, ​“whether it’s a busy Friday evening or a quiet Tuesday afternoon.”

What’s more, in that perfectly organized and sterile Pizza Hut kitchen of 1988, there’s no global pandemic, no narcissistic leaders recklessly promoting conspiracy theories and ignorance, and no nunchuck-wielding bears. Just the never-ending promise that a piping hot, perfectly cooked, ​“fairy dust”-covered pizza is waiting for me every time I walk through Pizza Hut’s doors. (Back in 1988, anyway.)