Moaning and Groaning

I haven’t really used this blog to divulge any personal thoughts lately, but that’s the very thing I felt somewhat compelled to write about tonight. Over the past couple of months, I’ve noticed a serious trend in my life, and while I’m not sure if it’s good or bad yet (or just a part of becoming an adult), it is something that I’ve noticed a great deal lately.

Sometimes I feel like I’m venturing into seriously unknown territory, sort of like puberty without all the acne and voice changes. For the first time in my life, I’m starting to feel completely, wholly adult, and I wonder if the process is the same for everyone. Within my immediate circle of friends, I’m the oldest, and I’m probably the most professional (in terms of employment, anyway). All of my other friends are at least 3 – 4 years younger than me, and still embroiled in academic pursuits. As a result, I feel like I’m venturing into this territory alone.

I’ve drawn back inside myself a lot more lately. I’ve always been a fairly introspective person (which partially explains this website’s existence), but this is something different. If I were younger, I’d call it “selfish”. Maybe it’s because I feel like I poured myself into so many other activities (church, bands, relationships, etc.) that now I just want serious amounts of “me” time. I have no interest in leaving my house, in going out, to interact socially on any appreciable level. I just want to watch movies and write.

And go to work.

Now that’s really odd. How did that get in here?

I’ve always enjoyed my job, but for the first time in my life, I’m seeing it at more than just something to fill the hours between 9:00am and 5:00pm. I feel more at ease there, like it’s an actual part of my life. Whereas in the past I couldn’t wait to do stuff outside of work, like go to shows, now I’m more inclined to work late. Am I finally becoming a cog in the corporate machine? If so, I’m a pretty lucky cog because I love my job and I think I’m pretty lucky to have the co-workers that I do. I’m still probably the least professional one in the office (especially when I don’t shave for a week or so), but am I finally becoming a career person.

The more I thought about all of this, the more I realized what’s going on; I’m acting like a married couple… except I’m doing it alone. I always hated watching my married friends drift away from society, drift into their private little domestic cosmos. While “domestic” may not be the best word to describe my life — I haven’t bought groceries in well over a month and I feel bad anytime someone uses my house’s bathroom — everything else fits.

So is this what adulthood feels like? The narrowing of your focus, the desire to sit back and greatly enjoy a relatively small number of things as opposed to trying to get out there and enjoy as much as possible? I never really thought about this stage of life before. You get all revved up for puberty because that’s when girls become cool. 18 rocks because you’re done with high school and you can be on your own. 21’s a big party because the law deems you’re finally old enough to drink yourself sick and vomit halfway through the night.

This, however, is a totally different beast. I know I’m only 26, so I’ve still got 2/3 of my life ahead of me. I realize a lot of this will seem fairly piddly to someone over 60. But I’m living this life one moment at a time, and it’s creating a strange, interesting pattern.

I feel like I’m finally laying the foundation of my adulthood, or better yet, the foundation has already been laid and I’m just now getting to see what I have to build on. Sometimes, that’s the most troubling aspect of all. I’m wandering into this feeling a bit blind and unprepared. When I was blundering through high school and college, I had church groups to help me out. Now, I get a singles group apparently meant to either a) make me comfortable with celibacy or b) ensure that, when I get to the Pearly Gates, I don’t find a “table for one” waiting.

Should I be worried about this, like I am about nearly everything else? Is this a preliminary mid-life crisis? Or maybe I should stop worrying, enjoy the heck out of all the movies I’m going to watch, build a professional life out of a career that I chose and that I actually like, and just live it. In fact, why am I still blathering on about this? You probably stopped reading halfway through, sick of yet another blog moaning about the true meaning of life and happiness. What’s that you say? Watch some more movies and review that darn CD you sent me two months ago? Well, alright.

Hopefully, my next little post will return to regular programming, and I can just get on with those things that I know are important to me. Hopefully, they really will be important when all is said and done.